I sometimes have the urge to retire

From being a good mama

And become a bad one

But I fear that would do

Enduring damage 

And so I cook, and clean, and continue 

To love

And be the one that is here for my sons 

To listen to them and respond 

Encourage them to go on

And be who they are born to be

But I write this to tell you

If you feel your mother failed you in some way

Please don’t think it’s your fault

And please try to understand 

I fail every day

I get up and try again (so far)

But it is very hard to be a good mama

In this modern age

-jenn

 Be yourself today

And simply walk away from those

People and/or situations 

For which /for whom

That’s not good enough 

For you are more than good enough 

You are beautiful 

Alive

And holy 

You shine

All the time

Just the way you are

-jenn

 What a mellow day!

What a mellow mind I have!

I follow the outline lazily with my finger,

Tracing the design.

It lulls me in.

I wade the shallow waves just off the shore.

All I want is more of this.

I long to swim,

Throw myself in without a worry or a care.

“Is anyone there?”

I hear someone.

I slowly see 

A man waving his hand in front of me.

“Can I get change for a fifty?” he asks.

I’m still basking,

But I yawn.

I see he’s only given me a twenty.

I may be mellow.

I may be gone.

But I still wasn’t born yesterday.

-jenn

 I keep circling,

Retracing my steps,

Looking for that thing I lost so long ago,

Like a criminal returning to

The scene of the crime.

But I’m the victim,

And I will never find my lost innocence,

But maybe I can reclaim it.

Today I resolve to end the trauma re-enactments.

I will find my true authentic self

Right here, within,

Encourage her to re-emerge

Without fear or shame,

Denial, or blame.

I’ll give her the heart that beats 

Beneath my skin,

And let her begin to live

And smile, again.

-jenn

 Someone has told me

I am merely an actor

On life’s great stage.

“What is my motivation?” I finally yell

To the mysterious void

That lies just beyond

The blinding floodlights.

“Somebody’s playing the hero.

Somebody’s playing the fool.

Somewhere in the middle 

Is You,

Be what ya wanna be!’

Someone else has stated

That in the great party of life

All we, are guests.

We shouldn’t want to stay too long,

But I feel I just got here.

I want to eat, at least.

I’d like to dance,

Have some cake.

They tell me I’m too greedy, but

I’d like to spend the night with you,

Make love,

And wake in the sunrise

As the party continues.

Now tell me,

Is that really wanting too much?

“Somebody’s playing the hero.

Somebody’s playing the fool.

Somewhere in the middle 

Is You,

Be what ya wanna be!’

-jenn

 I planted Violets in my yard

For the little brown bear

Who comes in to sniff them in the mornings.

I peek at him from behind the curtains 

That blow in the breeze of my bedroom window.

He intoxicates himself in the abundance of the pale purple flowers.

Rolling in heaven, happy,

He’s found a treasure

And a new sting.

A bee has found him in his pleasure,

But the little bear will follow him,

In a zigzag line behind 

The drone’s buzzed, dying flight back home,

And the little bear will find the honey.

Tonight, he’ll wander to the river

And see the salmon shine

In the light of Ursa Major.

And while he travels,

I go back to bed and dream.

I’m hiking through the tall grass

That leads to the trailhead at Deep Creek.

When I make it, I look down

And see the fishes swim the stream.

Little Bear will come back home,

And when he does,

He will rollick in the spray

Of the velvet lilac violet blossoms 

That I plant for him today.

-jenn

 In the beautiful eyes

Of the dark One at night I gaze

On the glittering sands of time

Beside the ocean of his Love

I stand and receive the winds

My inheritance 

Summer’s warmth

The cool of night

Mingle inward 

Gripping me

They hold me tight and fast

At last I’ve found

That I’ve been found

And for this eternal moment 

I am

The Beloved 

-jenn