Translations of Ancient Latin Graffiti

Someone should tell Hester
That if she wants to wear her yoga pants to town
And into the grocery store
She should either try and tame her bush
Or wear pannies.

Porcus, Porcus !
Why must you always eat the same things?

I arrived late to the cena.
Alas, someone had already eaten all the door mice.

No, I can't get out of the chariot,
Occifer,
I've only had teen martoonies,
But my toga is unzipped,
And it might fall off.

First he wrote poems to his wife,
Then his mistress,
Then his boyfriend.

They had taken a campaign
Into Swahili,
It was there he gave up
Following Apollo.

Many nights, here, on the banks of the Rhine,
Building one of the many roads
That lead to Rome,
Marcus heard a beautiful song
In a barbaric tongue
Called, "Fräulein."

"Apples, apples, grapes and wine,
Bread and formaggio and gnocchi.
Cheaper here, in Vesuvius, than anywhere else!"

Here sits Cnaedus,
Buns a Flexin
Givin birth
To another Texan

- do I dare sign it?